Sheila, a friend who happens to be a teacher, took me out to lunch yesterday. She took the day off just for me, but I suspect her hangover from karaoke night was a bit of a factor, too.
We had a great time, just catching up, sharing our stories, laughing, lots of hugs and just being together. I am learning to socialize again!
Then I stopped at the bank to make a deposit and noticed that there were 3 or 4 bankers sitting around doing nothing. Dennis had kept this expensive account open that was costing us $25 a month, but we were no longer receiving benefits from it. He was one stubborn dude - he was even more stubborn than me - so we just kept on paying $300/year for Dennis to feel some gratification of having an account for the pretend rich.
So, unfortunately, I asked if I could speak to a banker. The minute I said it I wished I could take the words back and walk away. But I am not STRONG Ann yet, and did not have the strength in me to do anything but be compliant. So I sat down for 45 minutes and answered his mundane questions while he made some changes to our account. I was strong enough to say no to a monthly credit check, no to any fee based services and no to anything that was going to keep Wells Fargo hooks in me forever.
When I returned home I made myself myself my latest concoction to calm me down, but not drink too much. I made a Spanish coffee. It's a bit of brandy, Kahlua, cinnamon, chocolate, chilpolte and hot coffee. The caffeine sends the brandy to the blood and brain quickly, and usually one does the trick.
I was sitting and thinking about how I had not sobbed all day, and only teared up a little a couple times. I called another friend to relay a story I had promised (I will tell you all later), and then had my Spanish coffee.
Gosh, it tasted so good, and I had more coffee, so I made another. And then another.
Should not have had that third. Probably not the second, either, but definitely not the third.
I was crying, and sobbing, and petting Shiva, and talking to Dennis and then to my parents and sobbing some more.
I am guessing that I have many days ahead that will be up and down and down and up. But from now on it's one or two Spanish coffees only.
Until later,
Ann
And I changed the settings on the blog so anonymous can now post comments.
I am sure your emotions are on a roller coaster right now and will be for some time. It's an old adage but it's true. 'Time is a great healer' and for me that has been the case having lost both my parents in the past 10 yrs, my mum in law last August and a 13 month old baby 40+ years ago. Oh and a husband I cared for very much through divorce. You never stop missing them but the pain goes away. If I read your blog correctly you lost your parents too so you know this.
ReplyDeleteGlad to be on board on your new blog. I have started one too but am nowhere near as prolific as you. When I am caught up to date I will publish it and then try and keep it updated regularly. You are a great influence.
Take care.
heather
Ann......You are doing so well to even go out to the bank. I help my mother 95 who lost her husband(my step-father) this past summer. She is weepy yet and speaks of him almost every day when we speak on the phone. I am still trying to get her to take any money she has in Wells Fargo out. They run a weird business, I think, and have given her lots of worries for trivial reasons. Watch them.....they might try pulling something on you. So hard to be tough some times. Thinking of you every day....Shiva too. I write to Shiva ....who is a good writer too! Gentle thoughts of you. Valerie
ReplyDeleteAwww. Well sometimes a good cry helps maybe, I hope you enjoyed your coffee. And kitty hugs always help.
ReplyDeleteTracy
I do smile between cries!
ReplyDeleteMy "coffee" of choice was/is whiskey..and sometimes took too much..but it took the edges off, usually helped me to relax or sleep for awhile :) I had small children then, so I did this in the middle of the night when the house was quiet.I put on music that meant something to Susan and me or I put on music that I liked and made me happier or sadder..whatever I needed..and then had my whisky by the fireplce. Those nights in the middle of the night got me thru the darkness and pain, I pretty sure. And I am no alcoholic now..it´s what I needed then when I had lost my child. And you have lost your dear husband.. don´t be afraid to use the help that there is..why not? Don´t put a moral label on it..or anything.
ReplyDeleteHugs/Iva
As a matter of fact..I am going to have a whiskey right now! I can´t sleep..gotta mix it with lots of soda as my tummy is more sensitive these days..but that´s ok and probably a good thing.
ReplyDeleteCheers to you and Dennis! (My kids are all grown up and left home now..as you know..so why the heck not??)
HUGS, Iva