I cannot sleep.
I have been sedating myself with a mild (very mild) narcotic that my doctor prescribed quite a while back. I take a low dose when I retire, and another half if I wake in the middle of the morning - usually around 3:00
I tried it again tonight, but my body wasn't going to relax. And then I remembered that I am retired and I do not have to get up in the morning at any special hour. Well, sorta retired, and there were no schools on my agenda for today.
So I got up.
But what does a person with no motivation do at 3 AM? Now it's 5 AM and I am still unmotivated.
I was crying last night. I received a email from Dennis' sister, Donna, right before I went to bed. She sounds dragged down, too. I tried to answer the email, but I got bogged down in tears and sentiment, and I didn't think she needed that from me.
Then I looked at the calendar and noticed I wasn't returning from the UK until the day before taxes are due. I suppose that was on my mind. I still haven't made it through all the papers in Dennis' room and now I know that I need to finish that. I don't need trouble with the IRS.
I have also been thinking about how I can support MSA Awareness Month in March. Oh, I had big plans of making a video, but then I was overwhelmed by how many computers we have that are loaded with pictures, and how would I put them all together. Even with help from a friend, Angelika, in Germany, it seemed way to over-whelming.
I have had enough over-whelming in my life the last few years. I need to do what pleases me for a while. If that means getting up in the middle of the morning and writing in my blog, then that is what I will do.
But, still, I can't avoid the IRS. On the agenda for the weekend.
Ann
I went through something very traumatic a few years ago and could not sleep at all. You would think the body would eventually wear down but it seemed like only my brain was tired and my body refused to sleep. My doctor gave me four pills that were supposed to help and came with the warning to only take one. It lasted two hours and I was up again. I eventually took all four of them throughout the night and still, would only sleep for a short time. Eventually, my mind began to slowly heal but it was miserable until it did. I feel for you, Annie. It's awful.
ReplyDeleteAnn, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Give yourself time and do what feels good and right for you. Give yourself some of the care you gave to Dennis for all these years. You deserve it; you need it.
ReplyDeleteAnn,
ReplyDeleteI was up at that same time and didn't have any reason except that something woke me up....maybe hot flash and the the brain starts going. I listen to the NPR on the radio...here they play the BBC news over and over...it is boring(like sitting in a statistics class etc) and sometimes it works...or I do a Suduku puzzle (not too hard) or read a travel guide to someplace I've been like the Rick Steves guide books. Are you going to the UK this Spring? We have a son/and his family in France....so we go to both places so the guides take my mind off problems and put my brain on a trip. Maybe this might help. Some nites nothing really works and then about 5 you fall asleep and when you wake up it is 8:30. Retirement has it's challenges. Sleep when you are tired....that is part of self care....it should get better as the days get longer. January is destructive to one's bio-rhythms even if you haven't had a long standing stressful life and sudden crisis like you have. Gently thoughts of you!